Sally's in-laws were her greatest disappointment. They did nothing to help her through George's death and offered no financial support. "Nobody came forth and said here's a dollar bill, and that's okay." Consequently, she severed the relationship. She told her children her decision was not to have an effect on them. "I gave them permission to stay in contact as it has nothing to do with me...At that time George's dad had passed away and his mother was getting up in years. His sister and brother were a complete wash out." Looking back, Sally thinks their inaction may have been based on ignorance. They did not know what to do so they did nothing. Looking inward, Sally thought maybe she was unapproachable. I think maybe I was proud and they didn't feel comfortable making the offer. I don't know. I have to take some blame because I'm independent.

Whoever said death brings out the best and worst in everyone was correct. While many families rise to the occasion and help the newly bereaved, more often than not, death magnifies family tension. In-laws and sisters-in-law are often a source of added conflict and grief. Immersed in their own loss over the death of a son or brother, they attacked Joan, a third grade teacher with an eighteen-year-old son. She was told she picked the " wrong cemetery, used the wrong limousine service, and bought the wrong food." Other women endure tongue-lashing, court battles, and endless arguments over where and how to bury the deceased and what to do with his belongings.

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Keep in mind:

• Death is a traumatic occurrence.
  
• Funerals are stressful events as everyone is grieving their own loss.
  
  • A mother is grieving the loss of her son.
    
  • A wife is grieving the loss of her husband.
    
  • A sister is grieving the loss of her brother, etc.
    
• Some widows do have in-laws that offer wonderful support.

Things to consider:

• What do I want to do with my husband's clothing and personal items?
  
• What items do I want to keep?
  
• What items (if any) do I want his family to have?
  
• What items do I want to save for my children?
  
• What type of funeral do I want to have for him?

Journal Exercises
Instructions: Some times journaling helps us put into perspective our lives and feelings. Many of the women that I have interviewed have found this to be a successful coping strategy. Take some time to write on the following topics or whatever occupies your mind.

• What kind of funeral do I want for my spouse?
  
• What do I want to do with my spouse's belongings?
  
• What was my relationship with my in laws before?
  
• What do I want my relationship to be with my in laws?

Helpful Resources:

• Professional Groups
  
  • American Counseling Association: http://www.counseling.org/consumers_media/findacounselor.htm
    
  • Counselor Find: http://www.nbcc.org/cfind/
    
  • Association for Death Education and Counseling: http://www.adec.org/
    
  • American Psychological Association: http://www.apa.org/
    
  • National Association of Social Workers: http://www.naswdc.org/
    
• Other Widows
  
  • 9-11 Widows' and Victims' Families Association: http://www.911wvfa.org/links.html
    
  • http://groups.yahoo.com/group/widowed/
    
  • http://www.widownet.org/

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